Good morning, Five Minute Families. We are Jim and Kim Nestle with Clear View Retreat. Many of you have heard us discuss the concept of “intentional intimacy,” which is one of the guiding principles we promote at our retreats.

Intentional means being purposeful in our actions. And intimacy is having familiarity or closeness with someone. Here at CVR, we define our key concept ‘intentional intimacy’ as “the passion and desire to pursue being known and to know another deeply for the glory of God.” Let’s break that down today.

Not all relationships will have marital levels of passion and desire, but because we all are designed to be in relationship with others, we will have passion and desire to seek out connection with others. We all hope for and have a driving need to feel connected to other people. Extroverts seek connection with more folks than introverts do, but we can never forget that everyone created in the image of God is created with His passion and desire for relationship. John 15:13 reminds us that “No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends.” If we want to be in good solid relationships, we must allow ourselves to have the passion and desire for the pursuit of the relationship.

Ah, the pursuit. The next part of our definition for intentional intimacy is “to pursue being known.” This may seem odd that we need to pursue being known, but we do. We must intentionally choose to share our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. We must be willing to be our authentic selves. Relationships fall apart when someone isn’t willing to share honestly about themselves.

The second part of the pursuit is “to know another deeply.” We must focus our passion and desire on getting to know someone else. We cannot simply share about ourselves. We have to have an interest in the other person and actively listen when they discuss their thoughts, feelings, or ideas.

To give an illustration of the first three points of ‘intentional intimacy,’ let me tell you about a friend I had. We seemed to have many things in common and got along really well. I invited her to things; I included her in my life. I would ask questions and, believe it or not, actually stop talking to hear her thoughts, ideas, and feelings, but she did not pursue sharing herself, nor did she show any passion or desire to connect. She would respond when it was convenient for her. Eventually, I stopped trying to connect. I had to let my passion and desire for our friendship to grow to stop driving me. I accepted the level on which she shared, and without my passion and desire for connection, we began to only interact when our paths crossed on a happenstance basis. I could not force her into intentional intimacy. Our friendship is different than when it started. We are certainly more like acquaintances now, but accepting where someone else is, is important.

Now, let’s think about our motivation. In our definition of ‘intentional intimacy,’ we point out that the relationship is pursued “for the glory.” A lot of people when entering into a new romantic relationship or a new friendship have passion and desire. They want to pursue being known and know another, but their ultimate motivation is for their own glory. When we want a relationship simply for how it makes us feel or what we get out of it, selfishness seeps in.

Of course, we all want to be in relationships that feel good, but that cannot be the defining purpose of the relationship. We cannot be in relationship with others for their or for our own glory.

Which leads us to our last point, we must choose to be in good and wonderful relationships for the glory OF GOD. He must be the reason that we pursue sharing about ourselves and learning about another. When we choose intentional intimacy for the glory of God, we can accept that some relationships must come to end or must change for the growth of the other person. And, we can accept and celebrate that some relationships are lifetime commitments. At times, those lasting relationships will require us to pray about the waning of our passion or desire as well as hurts or frustrations that happen, but with God, we get to begin to reconnect.

Intentional intimacy is a choice. It is an action to be taken over and over again. The beauty is that while it is seems like a whole lot of work, it actually becomes easier and easier – and more beautiful – as we walk with the Lord and desire to bring Him glory through our interactions with others. Remember, five minute families, to align your values and goals with the purpose of your actions. Pursue being known and knowing another for the glory of the Lord. Be blessed!